As the sun came up over the Connecticut hills, a new day was breaking. The brilliant sunrise touched everywhere, missing no one, promising a new day. People everywhere would crawl out of bed to face their lives once more, to live through the constant struggle that is existence. One such person was Hank.
“Good morning, Hank.”
“Mornin’ Stella. Any messages for me?”
“We don’t have an answering machine here.”
“So no messages?”
“…No.”
Hank’s day at work started normally enough. He greased up the aluminum pans, took some plates and bowls out of the dishwasher, and made sure there were napkins on all the tables. Hank worked in the Treewood Dining Hall at a large, public university. This is what he did for a living, and he was damn proud of it.
As the day progressed, some of the students at the school would come in to work. They just did it part time. Hank saw himself as a father figure to these kids. One day, he hoped, he could pass on all his knowledge of pan greasing and dishwashing to one of these young guns.
“You’re doing a great job with those forks there, Jimmy. Remember to bend your knees.”
“Please get away from me.”
Hank laughed. Jimmy was always such a jokester. He’d been at work for about half an hour, so Hank took his first cigarette break. That was when he saw her.
It was Antoinette. She was a junior and Hank thought she was gorgeous. The way she swiped peoples’ cards was angelic, and her way with saltshakers was simply divine.
“Hey gorgeous,” Hank charmingly initiated, “how was your break?”
Antoinette laughed nervously and then replied, “Fine.”
“Good, good. Me too.”
“Good.”
Hank needed to impress her, so he came up with something that couldn’t fail, “You know all these chairs? I built them all myself!”
“Cool.”
“Yep. So guess what? We’re making beef in a pouch today. Pretty sweet, huh?”
“I…I guess, Hank.”
He loved when she said his name. It was like a full chorus of Lisa Loebs singing down from the heavens. It got him excited, quite frankly. Hank always respected the distance between regular workers and student, in that they stay away from each other at all times, but for some reason something snapped at this moment. He couldn’t believe what he said next.
“So, what do you say you and I grab a couple of these beef pouches for ourselves and get out of here for a while?”
Antoinette shuddered violently and then snapped, “Please just get away from me. You’re just a nasty old full-timer,” and she walked away.
A full-timer? Is that what this was about? Hank always assumed it was because he was forty years older than her and had horrendous breath. He was almost relieved when he learned that it was simply the amount of hours he worked that turned her off. He ate a beef pouch in celebration.
The next day Hank marched into his boss Stella’s office. He knew how he could have Antoinette.
“I only want to work part time.”
“What, why?
“I have my reasons.”
“Hank, don’t you think you might need the full time pay? You keep telling everyone about all those gambling debts.”
It was true. Hank accumulated a ten thousand dollar debt of Foxwoods after constantly betting on “sixteen black” at the roulette wheel.
“I’ll manage,” Hank started, “and besides, what I lose in pay I’m bound to gain in other ways.”
“Whatever, Hank. Fine. You’re working Tuesdays and Thursdays from now on. I can’t talk about this anymore, I have class.”
“Thank you so, so much Stella.”
“Just get away from me.”
The following Tuesday, Hank walked triumphantly into Treewood. He felt like a new man. After he greased up the pans he threw a little bit into his hair to look extra sharp. Antoinette walked in and he headed straight for her.
“Hey sweetheart.”
“Ugh. Hi Hank.”
“Guess what?
“What.”
“I’m not a full-timer anymore! I changed my hours so now I only work part time like you. Now we can be together!”
Antoinette didn’t respond. Hank decided he should move on to plan B. He took a beef in a pouch out of his pocket and offered it to her. Still nothing.
“What…what do you say baby?”
Antoinette was a nice girl. She really didn’t want to hurt his feelings. She came up with the first thing she could, “Well, you see, Hank. I’m actually dating…Jimmy.”
“Jimmy?! He couldn’t make a grilled cheese if his life depended on it! Mine, on the other hand, are delicious. I’m a specialist!”
“It’s not about the grilled cheese, okay? I just want to be mild acquaintances.”
Hank felt as if someone had cut off all circulation to his extremities. He felt suffocated. Then he realized it was just his heart condition. After that he just felt extreme pain. He didn’t know what to do. He staggered into the back closet and collapsed onto the floor.
*
Hank awoke in a daze. He looked around and didn’t recognize where he was.
“Where the hell am I?”
“You’re safe now,” a soothing voice caressed his troubled mind.
“Who…who are you?”
“Just rest. Rest.”
Hank began to feel better. Whoever this was was dabbing his forehead with a warm, moist towel. He regained his vision to see who it was that was treating him so nicely.
“Oh my God!” Hank shrieked. It was the beef in a pouch.
“Calm down, Hank. I know this is a shock.”
The beef in a pouch looked deeply into Hank’s eyes, and his into it’s. All the pain he felt shot out of his body like a cannon.
“Why would you do all this for me?”
“Because I love you, Hank.”
Hank was conflicted. On the one hand, he had found love. On the other, it was a beef in a pouch.
“I love you too, beef in a pouch! I’ve loved you all along!”
“Oh, Hank. You’ve made me the happiest pouch in the world!”
They held each other for the rest of the night. They talked. They bonded. It was the greatest moment of his life.
At the wedding, most of the Treewood employees showed up. It was kind of a big deal. Antoinette even came with Jimmy. The beef in a pouch wore a beautiful white Vera Wang gown while Hank had on a classic black tux.
Hank and beef in a pouch have two kids now. They still both work at Treewood and are planning on opening up their own dining hall next semester.
